As I remember back, one of the hardest things I ever went threw happened last year. It was also one of the best things that happened to me. You see last year I came out of the closet to my parents and everyone at my school.
Ever since I was about 12. I've liked girls. At first I liked both guys and girls, but as I grew up I started to only have feelings for girls. I slowly realized this but did know know what to cal l it until last year, Bisexual. I had dated boys and girls, secretly, but I just never had the courage to tell anyone. As the year went on I figured I liked girls more than guys. The hardest part was I had a boyfriend and I didn't know who to tell.
Most of my friends by this point knew I was bisexual, but only my friends did. They didn't even know that I was turning lesbian because I was to afraid to tell them. There had been rumors in school that I was a lesbian or at least bisexual. Earlier in the year I denied them but I was tired of doing that. I knew my first step would have to be telling my parents.
I get along better with my dad, so I knew I would tell him first. I wrote a note telling him that I had been bisexual for about 3 years and I wanted to come out to him and mom about it. I placed the note by m door in hopes he would find it in the morning. My hope came true. I woke up to my dad screaming at me to get up, the notebook in his hand, at first he walked out of the bed room, before returning and peeking his head in.
"By the way, your not gay, and don't tell your mother about this" he muttered before slipping out the door. That was the beginning of the denial for my father. I went back to lying to my mother. feeling so hurt and filled with so much pain. I felt like I had to wear a mask because of what I was.
A while after coming out to my father we all got into a big fight. Were were down stairs huddled around my bed, I was crying so hard my stomach hurt. Even though I can't remember what the fight was about. My mother was yelling at me, and so was my father. I couldn't' take it!
"Dad told me to lie to you about me being gay. Mom I'm GAY" I practically screamed din her face. My mother and me always had a rocky relationship. She didn't get me, I didn't get her. We hardly ever got along, or spoke. This night was different my mother looked at me sternly but in disbelieve she slowly walked out of my bed room door, and closed it behind her, trailing herself up the stairs. My mother wouldn't talk to me for about three weeks afterwards. It's still an iffy subject around the house.
After telling my parents, it was time to tell my boyfriend. I had found the most perfect boyfriend a girl could ask for, he stood up for me, made me laugh, wrote me poems and notes, held my hand, made sure no one messed with me. He was perfect, but the whole time I was dating him I had wished he was a girl. Finally one day, I just gave in. It was after school sprinkling, I remember having to yell over traffic.
"I like girls more than I like guys! I'm lesbian!" I screamed, the look in his eyes nearly killed me, but he spoke softly words that told me he understood, as if he had known ll along. I gave him a final hug and started a crossed the street. Only to have karma kick me in the rear. It ended up down pouring and I ended up walking home in the cry crying my eyes out because I had just hurt one of my best guy friends.
That wasn't even the hardest part. After a while, I knew I had to come out to the school. I just didn't know how to do it. I saw my opportunity by dating someone. It didn't take long for the word to get out. By lunch it was already all over. Kids asking if we were going out.
"Yeah, I guess.." I responded each time. It was all new. The excitement of being able to be open with my sexuality. Though the rush came to a down fall quickly.
The girl who I had asked out was the first to be called a name
"DYKE!" the kids would scream at her. I also got names thrown at me, harsh vulgar immature names, Along with that even some of our friends left us, because they didn't want to live or talk to lesbians Kids were trying to break us up, force us back into the closet. I guess you can say it worked because we broke up, but only after school got out for the fact she went away to Iowa for the whole summer.
Thinking back on it, it was worth all the name all the crying and pain the fright I felt. If I had to do it again I would. I live so much freezer now. I have accepted the term dyke, as just another nickname, and so far in the high school I haven't heard any of the other words that were thrown at me my the immature boys at the junior high. I've been asked a ton of questions, but I honestly don't mind.
It's nice to be able to live as an open homosexual. It's even better to be able to say it freely with out having to be worried about anything. If you would have asked me last year if I felt safe in school being a homosexual. I would have said no. But you ask me the same question this year., the answer would be yes.
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